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| 9 Anne Rice Mixed Book Lot Vampires BODY THIEF TALTOS ARMAND LASHER MEMNOCH | |
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| 4 Barb JC Hendee paranormal vampire Thief of Lives Sister of Dead Dhampir ++ | |
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| THE ASHEN THIEF A SOURCEBOOK FOR VAMPIRES THE DARK AGES WHITE WOLF 2000 | |
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'The vampire diaries' review by Dndn2012
It might be easy to explain - or even excuse - three new fall dramas on the CW as being woefully bad because most people who might instantaneously think such thoughts (such as, "Please, God, make it stop" or "Don't let me die while watching this") are probably "out of the demo."
After all, the country's fifth broadcast network skews young and female. It's the network of "Gossip Girl." The CW wants its viewers to use Twitter while they watch. It's a network that stopped programming comedy because, one would assume, comedy is not pretty.
And all things on the CW are pretty.
So if these are the elements that give you shingles - gossipy girls tweeting about how rich and beautiful and thin and fabulous they are - then you might dismiss whatever the CW does out of hand. Like a cranky old man.
But quality doesn't have a demo. And three of the CW's newest dramas are, in a word, awful, no matter your age or gender. That can't be blithely dismissed. They are bad. A remake of "Melrose Place" premieres Tuesday (9 p.m.), "Vampire Diaries," premieres Thursday (8 p.m.), and "The Beautiful Life" can (but shouldn't) be seen on Sept. 16 (9 p.m.). For those of you with kids or relatives or friends or siblings "in the demo," maybe you should mark those dates down as a kind of intervention.
Put Billy Bragg's "Help Save the Youth of America" on your iPod, bust into the private sanctuary of someone you love who might intend to watch these shows and tell them to aim higher, to demand better.
"Melrose Place" updates the cheesy drama from the early '90s and brings in younger, better-looking replacements and posits Laura Leighton's Sydney as a kind of matriarch of the old apartment complex. "I wish you'd known me when I first moved here," she says breathily and woodenly. "We were like family."
Family? That's not how a lot of people will remember it, unless their family has been on "Jerry Springer."
Not much has changed in the years since the original "Melrose Place" was on. Hair products are probably better. But L.A. still corrupts: Someone dies in the pilot; a med student has to essentially become a hooker; there are drugs, mean publicists, bisexuality, infidelity and the world's least believable art thief. It's all soapy nonsense with emotional entanglements underscored by catchy and moving pop songs.
And yet, "Melrose Place" looks like "I, Claudius" compared with "Vampire Diaries," which plays out like a viral marketing campaign from overly worried Midwestern mothers about the influence of vampires on youth culture. Even if you love HBO's "True Blood" and "Twilight" is calling the younger ones, you will never want anything to do with vampires again after this series. Wait - not true. You will want all the extras who played vamps on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (which was great, by the way, and not to be blamed for this lackluster cousin) to return en masse to eat the cast of "Vampire Diaries," plus any remaining scripts.
"I'm a vampire. This is my story," says a voice-over in the first minute of the show. It's the first anvil dropped on your head, but not nearly the last, as two of the main characters keep diaries and voice-over narration spouts their insipid thoughts and dumbed-down exposition: "Dear Diary: Today will be different. It has to be. I will smile and it will be believable. My smile will say, 'I'm fine. Thank you. Yes. Much better.' I will no longer be the girl who lost her parents. I will start fresh. Be someone new. It's the only way I'll make it through." Yes, that's actually dialogue. Yes it gets worse. And no, you will not make it through.
Luckily, by deadline, the CW had only sent a 25-minute presentation preview of "The Beautiful Life," the drama executive-produced by Ashton Kutcher about models in New York (a topic he knows about). If you are thinking shallow model culture is ripe for the CW, then you are too savvy to watch this show. But if you do (proving you are immune to the numerous warnings in this column about vapidity, pointless gloss and heinous writing), know that those 25 minutes felt like 105 minutes, so you should set the DVR accordingly.
"The Beautiful Life" could be worse than "Vampire Diaries." It also could have seemed so utterly unwatchable because it came at the end of this CW marathon. Speaking from outside the target demo but from long-suffering experience watching bad television, go with "unwatchable."
About the Author
E-mail Tim Goodman at tgoodman@sfchronicle.com. You can read my TV blog, the Bastard Machine, at http://dnevnikivampirov.ru . Or follow me at http://www.twitter.com/bastardmachine.
